A Matter of Manners
Our business etiquette experts have facilitated business etiquette courses for more than two decades. During that time, we have heard questions about almost every workplace etiquette issue imaginable: awkward meals, personal boundaries, meeting behavior, shared spaces, gift exchanges, interruptions, missed deadlines, strong food smells, thermostat disputes, and the long list of daily behaviors that can make work feel either civil or exhausting.
Business etiquette is not about being stiff, old fashioned, or overly formal. It is about helping people work together with less friction. Good manners make room for respect, clarity, and professionalism. They help people address uncomfortable issues without creating unnecessary drama. They also help employees protect relationships while still solving problems.
Do you have a question about business etiquette, manners, or professionalism? Send it to us, and your question may be featured here.
Terrible Table Manners
Dear Etiquette Expert,
I have a new employee with terrible table manners. Eating with him is unpleasant. I’m not sure how to address this without making it awkward. Any suggestions?
Mary S.
Dear Mary,
You are right to think carefully before addressing this. Table manners are personal, and feedback in this area can feel embarrassing. At the same time, ignoring the problem may not be fair to your employee, especially if his role includes client meals, recruiting events, conferences, leadership meetings, or other professional dining situations.
This issue matters for two reasons. First, his behavior affects the people eating with him. If his table manners are distracting, unpleasant, or disruptive, others may avoid inviting him to meals. Second, the behavior may limit his professional growth. Business meals are often part of relationship building. People notice how others behave at the table. They notice whether someone chews with his mouth open, talks while eating, reaches across others, monopolizes shared dishes, ignores napkin use, or treats the meal as if he were eating alone at home.
You have two possible approaches: indirect and direct.
The indirect route is useful if this is not just one person’s issue or if you want to avoid singling him out. You could arrange a dining etiquette session for the whole team, perhaps framed around client readiness, executive presence, or business development. This allows everyone to review the basics: place settings, ordering, pacing, napkin use, conversation, alcohol judgment, tipping, and how to handle awkward moments during a meal. The new employee receives the information without feeling targeted.
For example, you might say to the group:
“As we continue to attend more client events and business meals, I’d like us to spend some time refreshing professional dining expectations. These details can influence how clients experience us.”
That framing is useful because it connects etiquette to business purpose, not personal criticism.
The direct route may be better if the issue is severe, recurring, or likely to damage him professionally. If you manage him, feedback is part of your responsibility. The conversation should be private, specific, and supportive. Do not raise the issue during a meal. Do not joke about it in front of others. Do not use words that shame him.
You might say:
“John, I want to raise something that may feel a little personal, and I am bringing it up because I want you to be successful. I have noticed a few dining habits that could distract people during business meals. Since your role may include client lunches and team events, I would like to help you get more comfortable with professional dining expectations.”
Then give one or two examples, not a catalog of offenses.
For example:
“One thing to watch is talking before finishing a bite. Another is reaching across the table instead of asking someone to pass an item.”
Follow with help:
“I have a short dining etiquette resource I would like you to review. We can also schedule time to talk through the main points before the next client lunch.”
The tone should be practical, not parental. Your message is not “You are disgusting.” Your message is “This behavior could affect how others perceive you, and I want to help you avoid that.”
If you are not his manager, proceed carefully. You may want to raise the issue with his supervisor rather than address it yourself. If he is a peer and the situation affects you directly, keep the feedback narrow and kind. For example:
“I wanted to mention something slightly awkward. During meals, it can be hard to follow the conversation when someone speaks while chewing. I know we all have habits we do not notice, so I wanted to say something quietly.”
That is direct, brief, and respectful.
Hands Off
Dear Etiquette Expert,
I’m not a hugger or a kisser, but my workplace is full of them. How can I avoid physical contact without offending anyone?
Terri M.
Dear Terri,
You have every right to set boundaries around physical contact at work. A professional environment should not require hugging, kissing, cheek kissing, shoulder squeezing, waist touching, or any other physical contact beyond what a person freely accepts. Even when the culture is warm and affectionate, employees should be able to choose how they greet and part from others.
The simplest strategy is to lead with the greeting you prefer. If you extend your hand early, most people will follow your cue. Step forward slightly, smile, offer your hand, and say:
“It’s good to see you.”
Or:
“Welcome. I’m glad you’re here.”
Your body language helps. Keep a little space between you and the other person. Turn slightly rather than opening your arms. Hold a folder, notebook, or coffee cup if that feels natural. These cues often prevent the hug before it begins.
If someone moves in for a hug, you can redirect warmly:
“I’m going to give you a handshake instead.”
Or:
“I’m not much of a hugger, but I’m very glad to see you.”
Or:
“If I were a hugger, this would be the moment. Since I’m not, let’s go with a handshake.”
That last line works when the relationship is friendly and the tone is light. It lets you set a boundary without making the other person feel accused.
If people persist, be more direct:
“I’m not comfortable hugging at work. Thank you for understanding.”
Or:
“I prefer handshakes in professional settings.”
Or:
“I’m keeping greetings contact free. It’s good to see you.”
You do not owe a long explanation. You do not have to say you are worried about germs, recovering from an illness, uncomfortable with touch, or following personal rules. A clear preference is enough.
If a particular person repeatedly ignores your boundary, the situation becomes more serious. You may need to say:
“I have mentioned before that I do not want to hug at work. Please do not do that again.”
If the person still continues, involve a manager or HR. Workplace warmth does not override personal boundaries.
The larger lesson is that the person who wants less physical contact gets to set the limit. Courtesy requires the more demonstrative person to adjust.
Limiting Screen Time
Dear Etiquette Expert,
My colleagues multitask on their phones during our weekly three-hour meetings. It feels disrespectful, but I’m not in charge. What can I do?
Chuck R.
Dear Chuck,
You are describing two problems: phone behavior and meeting design. The phones are irritating, but the three-hour meeting may be part of the reason people are disengaging. Most people struggle to stay focused during long meetings, especially if the agenda is loose, updates are not relevant to everyone, or participants are not expected to contribute.
Since you are not in charge, avoid sounding like the meeting police. Instead, frame your concern around meeting quality and efficiency.
You might say to the meeting leader privately:
“I’ve noticed our weekly meetings often run long, and people seem to drift into email and phone work. Would it be worth trying a more focused agenda or shorter update format?”
That language is constructive. It does not accuse your colleagues of being rude, even though their behavior may feel that way.
You could also suggest specific changes:
“Could we send routine updates in advance and use the meeting for decisions and discussion?”
“Would it help to list the decisions needed at the top of the agenda?”
“Could we try a ninety-minute version for a month and see whether the work still gets done?”
“Could each agenda item have an owner and a time limit?”
If the meeting leader is open to norms, suggest a simple agreement:
“During discussion items, phones and laptops are used only for meeting-related work.”
Or:
“If someone needs to handle an urgent message, he or she steps out briefly rather than multitasking at the table.”
This gives people a practical standard without pretending emergencies never happen.
If you need to address the behavior in the room, do so lightly and link it to the work:
“I may have missed part of that because several of us are looking at different screens. Could we pause and make sure we are aligned on the decision?”
That redirects attention without scolding.
You should also check your own behavior. If you are asking for stronger meeting norms, follow them yourself. Bring printed notes if that helps. Put your phone face down. Close unrelated windows. People are more willing to accept a suggestion from someone modeling the behavior.
The main point: do not make this only about phones. Make it about better meetings.
Navigating the Gift Exchange
Dear Etiquette Expert,
My office has an expensive annual gift exchange, but I can’t afford to participate. How can I bow out without seeming like a Scrooge?
Jean B.
Dear Jean,
You should not feel obligated to spend money you cannot afford to preserve a workplace tradition. Gift exchanges can be fun, but they can also create pressure, resentment, and awkwardness when the price point is too high or participation feels mandatory.
Start by finding out whether participation is required or merely assumed. Often, traditions continue because nobody wants to be the first person to question them. You may not be the only person uncomfortable with the cost.
If you want to opt out quietly, you can say:
“I’m going to sit out the gift exchange this year, but I’ll be happy to join the celebration.”
That is enough. You do not have to explain your finances.
If you would like to contribute in another way, offer time or effort instead of a purchased gift:
“I’m going to skip the gift exchange this year, but I’d be glad to help set up the room.”
Or:
“I’m not participating in the exchange, but I can bring paper goods or help with cleanup.”
Or:
“I’d be happy to coordinate the sign-up sheet.”
If the culture allows suggestions, propose a lower-cost alternative:
“Would people be open to changing the exchange this year to a ten-dollar limit?”
“Could we do homemade treats, favorite recipes, or a book swap instead?”
“What about drawing names for charitable donations rather than individual gifts?”
“Would anyone be interested in a white elephant exchange with items people already own?”
If you need to be more candid, keep the statement simple:
“I’ve already allocated my gift budget for the year, so I’m going to sit this one out. I’ll still look forward to celebrating with everyone.”
That wording is honest without inviting debate.
Managers should pay attention to this issue. Expensive office traditions can unintentionally exclude people. A gift exchange should never become a test of belonging. The best workplace celebrations allow people to participate without financial strain.
Managing Grand Central Station
Dear Etiquette Expert,
My desk is in a high-traffic area, and coworkers stop to chat constantly. I’m falling behind on my work. What can I do without seeming rude?
Ciera S.
Dear Ciera,
High-traffic desks are interruption magnets. People pass by, make eye contact, notice you are there, and stop. They may not realize how often it happens or how much time it costs you. Because each interruption seems small to the person stopping, the total burden is invisible.
Start by removing invitations to linger. If you have a candy jar, snack bowl, extra chair, funny sign, puzzle, or other conversation starter at your desk, consider moving it. Those items are friendly, but they also train people to stop.
Then adjust your physical signals. If someone stops by and you can spare a minute, stand up, answer briefly, and then sit back down. Sitting down signals that the conversation is ending. Turning back toward your work reinforces that cue.
When you cannot talk, use a polite boundary:
“I’d love to catch up, but I’m on a deadline. Let’s talk later.”
Or:
“I can’t stop right now, but I hope your meeting goes well.”
Or:
“I’m in focus mode for the next hour. Can I come find you this afternoon?”
If the same people continue interrupting, be more specific:
“I enjoy our conversations, but I’m getting behind because my desk gets so much traffic. I need to protect a few quiet blocks during the day.”
You can also create office signals if your workplace culture supports them. For example, headphones may mean “please do not interrupt unless it is urgent.” A small sign might say, “Working on a deadline. Please email unless urgent.” A calendar block may show focus time.
If the issue is structural, speak with your manager:
“My desk location makes it difficult to complete focused work because people stop by throughout the day. Could we discuss options, such as moving my desk, adding a visual barrier, or allowing me to work in a quieter room during deadline periods?”
This is not antisocial. It is work management. Friendly relationships do not require constant availability.
Where’s the Beef?
Dear Etiquette Expert,
Someone stole food I stored in the office fridge. I’m angry and want reimbursement. How should I handle this?
Wendy A.
Dear Wendy,
Office food theft is surprisingly emotional because it is not only about the food. It is about respect, trust, and the unpleasant discovery that something you planned to eat is gone. If the missing item was your lunch, it may also mean you are now hungry, inconvenienced, and forced to spend money you had not planned to spend.
You have several options, from subtle to direct.
If the item could have been taken by mistake, start there. A note on the refrigerator may be enough:
“A package of burgers was removed from the freezer yesterday. If you took it by mistake, please let me know or replace it by Friday.”
That message is clear without assuming the worst.
If the item was clearly labeled and unlikely to be mistaken for someone else’s, you can be firmer:
“My labeled food was taken from the freezer. Please return or replace it by the end of the week.”
Avoid sarcastic signs, public shaming, or dramatic accusations. Notes that say “To the thief who stole my lunch” may feel satisfying, but they can make the workplace feel childish. They may also escalate the issue without solving it.
If food theft is recurring, raise it with a manager or HR. The issue may need a shared-space policy:
“Several people have had food go missing from the refrigerator. Could we remind everyone that food must not be taken unless it belongs to them or is clearly marked for sharing?”
You can also protect yourself by labeling food clearly, using a lunch bag, writing your name and date on items, and avoiding storing expensive food in a shared refrigerator for long periods. That said, prevention does not excuse theft. Your coworkers should not take what is not theirs.
If you know who took the food, speak privately if you can do so calmly:
“I had a package of burgers in the freezer with my name on it, and I understand you took them. I need you to replace them.”
Keep it factual. You are not asking for a confession to a felony. You are asking someone to make right what he or she took.
Meeting Deadlines as a Team
Dear Etiquette Expert,
Our team consistently misses deadlines, and it’s frustrating. How can I encourage better accountability without stepping on toes?
Greg T.
Dear Greg,
Missed deadlines create more than schedule problems. They damage trust. When people repeatedly miss commitments, other team members have to rush, rework plans, apologize to clients, extend hours, or absorb the consequences. Frustration is understandable.
Still, if you are not the formal leader, approach the issue as a process problem before treating it as a character problem. People may be missing deadlines because responsibilities are unclear, estimates are unrealistic, dependencies are hidden, approvals are slow, priorities keep changing, or nobody is tracking interim progress.
Try opening the conversation collaboratively:
“I’ve noticed we are having trouble meeting deadlines on several projects. Could we look at our planning process and see where things are breaking down?”
That wording avoids blame and invites diagnosis.
You can suggest breaking projects into smaller parts:
“Would it help to identify milestones before the final deadline so we can spot problems earlier?”
You can ask for clearer ownership:
“Can we confirm who owns each task before we leave the meeting?”
You can request visible tracking:
“Could we use a shared tracker so everyone can see what is due, who owns it, and where things stand?”
You can build in check-ins:
“Instead of waiting until the final deadline, could we schedule a midpoint review?”
If deadlines are missed because people overcommit, raise that issue:
“I think we may be agreeing to deadlines before we know whether the timeline is realistic. Could we add a quick capacity check before we commit?”
If the team has a leader, ask for support:
“Could we spend ten minutes at the next meeting clarifying our deadline process? I think a few small changes would help us avoid last-minute scrambles.”
The etiquette point is this: accountability is best received when it is connected to shared success. If you say, “You people never meet deadlines,” defensiveness will follow. If you say, “Our process is creating misses, and I’d like us to fix it,” you are more likely to get cooperation.
Food at the Desk Dilemma
Dear Etiquette Expert,
A coworker brings extremely fragrant food to their desk daily, and it’s distracting. What can I do?
Anita P.
Dear Anita,
Food smells in shared workspaces can create real tension. People have different tastes, diets, cultural food traditions, sensitivities, and comfort levels. One person’s normal lunch may be another person’s afternoon headache. Because food is personal, this conversation needs tact.
Start with a polite, specific, and nonjudgmental request. Avoid criticizing the food itself. Do not say it is disgusting, weird, or awful. Focus on the impact of the smell in the shared space.
You might say:
“I wanted to ask a small favor. The smell from lunch at your desk carries through this area, and it can be distracting for me. Would you be willing to eat in the break room when the food has a strong aroma?”
Or:
“I know this is awkward to mention, but some lunch smells linger in our shared area. Could we agree to keep strongly scented food in the kitchen or break room?”
If the coworker responds defensively, stay calm:
“I’m not criticizing your food. I’m trying to manage the shared workspace so everyone can concentrate.”
If your workplace does not have a break room or the break room is unpleasant, the issue may need a broader solution. Ask a manager to establish guidelines around food in shared areas:
“Could we create a shared-space guideline about eating strong-smelling food at desks? It is becoming distracting in our area.”
Managers should handle this carefully. Policies should not target specific cuisines or people. A fair guideline might address all strong odors, including reheated fish, burnt popcorn, heavy perfume, scented candles, air fresheners, and food waste left in trash cans.
You can also check whether there are ventilation or trash issues. Sometimes the problem is not the food itself but where containers are discarded or how long leftovers sit.
The Interrupting Coworker
Dear Etiquette Expert,
One of my coworkers frequently interrupts during meetings, making it hard to share ideas. How can I handle this?
Sam F.
Dear Sam,
Interruptions can be especially frustrating because they do more than disrupt a sentence. They signal whose voice gets priority. If the pattern continues, quieter team members may stop contributing, and the group may lose useful ideas.
You can address interruptions in the moment with calm, direct language. The tone should be steady, not angry.
Try:
“I’d like to finish my thought, and then I’d like to hear your reaction.”
Or:
“Let me complete this point first.”
Or:
“I’m almost finished. I’ll turn it over to you in a moment.”
If the meeting has a facilitator, you can also look to that person and say:
“I’d like to finish the point I was making.”
This invites the facilitator to help manage the conversation.
If the interruption pattern continues, speak privately with the coworker. Use specific language and avoid sweeping claims such as “You always interrupt me.”
Try:
“I wanted to mention something I’ve noticed in meetings. Several times when I’ve been explaining an idea, you have jumped in before I finished. I know you may not intend it this way, but it makes it difficult for me to contribute fully. Could we work on giving each other room to finish?”
That is firm but not hostile.
If you lead meetings, establish norms:
“Let’s let people finish before responding.”
“I’m going to keep a speaker list so everyone has a turn.”
“We will hear the full idea first, then discuss.”
If you are interrupted after setting the norm, reinforce it:
“I’m going to pause us there. Sam was still speaking.”
Another useful method is to reclaim the floor for others:
“I want to go back to what Priya was saying before we moved on.”
This helps build a more balanced meeting culture.
If interruptions are part of a larger pattern of disrespect, exclusion, or bias, involve a manager. Etiquette is not a cover for allowing people to dominate others. Professional conversation requires turn taking.
Office Temperature Wars
Dear Etiquette Expert,
Our office constantly fights over the thermostat. It’s either too cold or too hot. How can we find a middle ground?
Dana L.
Dear Dana,
Office temperature disputes are common because comfort varies widely. One person is freezing in a sweater while another is warm in short sleeves. Desk location, sunlight, airflow, clothing, medical issues, equipment heat, and proximity to vents can all affect how people experience the same room.
The first step is to move the issue from a daily battle to an agreed process. If people keep adjusting the thermostat throughout the day, nobody wins. The room becomes unstable, and the conflict becomes personal.
Suggest a discussion:
“We seem to be going back and forth over the thermostat. Could we agree on a reasonable temperature range and a process for changing it?”
A useful policy might include a standard setting, limited adjustments, and personal comfort options. For example:
“We’ll keep the thermostat at 72 during the day. If someone is uncomfortable, let’s first look at personal adjustments like sweaters, desk fans, vent deflectors, or seating changes before changing the shared setting.”
Be cautious with space heaters. In some offices, they are prohibited because of fire risk or electrical load. Desk fans may also be subject to safety rules. Before suggesting equipment, check company policy.
If certain areas are much hotter or colder than others, the problem may be mechanical rather than interpersonal. Ask facilities to inspect vents, thermostats, airflow, filters, and window seals. A person sitting directly under a vent may be living in a different climate from someone ten feet away.
If employees have medical conditions affecting temperature comfort, managers should handle those concerns respectfully and privately. Not every discomfort is simply preference.
The etiquette principle is compromise. No one person should control the thermostat for everyone, and no one should mock others for being too hot or too cold. Shared space requires shared judgment.
Final Thoughts
Workplace etiquette questions often sound small until you are living with them every day. A coworker’s lunch smell, someone’s interruptions, a missing item from the office fridge, unwanted hugs, poor table manners, endless phone use in meetings, expensive gift exchanges, missed deadlines, and thermostat battles can all create irritation, resentment, and avoidable conflict.
The solution is rarely a dramatic confrontation. Most etiquette problems improve when someone names the issue calmly, focuses on the behavior rather than the person, explains the impact, and suggests a reasonable next step.
The best workplace manners are practical. They help people share space, time, attention, resources, and responsibility without making each day harder than it has to be. Good etiquette is not about perfection. It is about noticing how your behavior affects others and being willing to adjust.